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April 1, 2003
by A.I. Logic, Ad-Minister of Ill Logic Corp.
AI: Glad you could make it.
PNCD: Uh, thanks.... let's try to make this quick, I'm a little hesitant to stay in one place long, know what I mean?
AI: Sure. Let's just cut to the cheese. How did you get hooked up with the President's niece?
PNCD: Well, I've known Noelle since she was little, actually. We went to... well I probably shouldn't say, you know, trying to be sorta incognito. But I gotta say, she loves amusement parks. Especially after a bowl of weed with some good crystal meth on it. Take her on the Zipper or something, she freaks out, starts tearing her shirt off.
AI: Damn, really?
PNCD: I'm serious. She's had it nothing but good her whole life, she wants to see if it's even possible to sink the old family pirate ship. Overly rich people have that competitive-consumptive attitude. That family has what you call the Money Bug, and it looks like Noelle's dying to fuck it all up, just to see if she can. That's the game she chooses, instead of oil, stocks, or just 'boosting revenues' or 'fundraising', you know, the deceptive ways of saying 'take the money and run'. Once you learn the lexicon of the money game, you realize how little there really is to it. They make up their own language to pretend like it's a noble pursuit, when in fact it's seriously just a bunch of bullshit, I really don't know how to put it more succinctly than that. There is nothing noble or complex about the elite classes in the world. When they wake up hung over, they puke and shit their pants just like everybody else.
AI: Do you think Noelle Bush could topple the family throne?
PNCD: Well, her daddy's probably not running for governor again, and between her and uncle Shrub, they probably buy more drugs than any other two people I know.... and I used to sell coke to the Eagles, so I KNOW just how much drugs most people can do. Shrub and Noelle got all five or six of those MF's beat already. Man you should see those two at parties, they sneak off every fifteen minutes and smoke a joint, or something. Lot of people get weirded out about it, but we let 'em know, it's not like incest going on, they're just getting fucked up. It's actually the sole human quality they both share. Other than drug use, they are absolutely plastic, mechanical, pandersome, whiny shitkickers with as much taste as a slab of cardboard.
[I notice the PNCD staring off into space. The moment gets tense, but soon I hear a little electronic tune playing in the distance, like an ice-cream truck. The PNCD reaches into a coat pocket, pulls out a celphone and answers it. The conversation lasts a few minutes ("friends vacationing in Panama") before we continue.]
PNCD: What are we doing here, again?
AI: Interview with Mythillogic Multimedia.
PNCD: Thanks. [smiling] Oh yeah, you're the uh, press secretary.
AI: No, secretary of state, can't you tell by the hat?
PNCD: Steak?
AI: What? No, state. With a T.
PNCD: T-bone!
AI: [in a cigar voice] Hello, I'm Biff Steak, Chief Beef Executive....
PNCD: Secreting secret secretary sauce...
[Suddenly our eyes lock together. We have stumbled into a momentary psychic link through verbal riffing. Only a thinkhappener would put together a sequence of words as calculatedly bizarre as this person. The next question is out my mouth before I can think it.]
AI: What kind of car do you drive?
PNCD: [looks puzzled] What the hell does... well, a '92 Corolla. Why'd you want to know that?
AI: Certain things say a lot about a person.... the car you drive, the shoes you wear, the people you'd imprison if you were king of the world....
PNCD: Dick Cheney.
AI: [I can't help but smile] That was quick. Why him? Or, I should say, what are YOUR reasons?
PNCD: He ripped me off when I was fronting him some speed. I'd been selling to him since 197_ and just as soon as Nancy Reagan started with that Just Say No shit, he ordered a gang of meth--- like two years worth-------- I gave it to him with no money down, and he has avoided me ever since.
AI: So the vice-president ripped you off for a fiend's stash of crank?
PNCD: It wasn't crank that time, but he did--- probably still does--- love the really nasty yellowy crank that makes you feel like your heart's gonna jump out of your chest. Whip-its too. I actually caught him in the Senate chamber one time with that old racist bastard J___e H___s, just the two of them in the big empty room, with a big tank of nitrous, and they were fuuuuucked up! J___e's lips were turning blue, and they were both talking in this really funny high voice like cartoon characters, and cracking each other up. It was.... [shakes head, looks at the floor, not sure whether to smile]
AI: Who all ISN'T a loadie up there on the hill, anyway?
PNCD: [thinks for a minute] Lieberman. Gore gets deathly paranoid when he smokes weed but keeps doing it anyway. I won't do it with him anymore though, because it's nerve-wracking--- even if you're absolutely 100% sure there is NOBODY watching, he keeps looking around everywhere, and his hands shake really bad, and he always has that look in his eyes like he's ready to blame you if he gets caught. "What's this you're doing, oh stop it, that's bad! Dope is bad, crackers good."
AI: Who else are the teetotalers?
PNCD: I think that's it, actually. Lieberman. He's so out-of-it normally, any chemical would turn him psychotic. He has a peculiar attitude about Nazi Germany.... for obvious reasons of course, but you know that expression about "you are what you eat"? The same thing can be applied to reading. He spends a lot of time focusing on what he doesn't like, instead of promoting what he DOES like. I wonder if he likes anything other than his tie collection and his bankroll.
August 23, 2002
by Flippy Willis, for A.I. Logic BS News
Enders\.neu, the hottest NeuWeb startup since Atrophy\.tel went dry, this week bestowed its dubious gratitude upon us for signing them to a four-year contract for the final stage of Ill Logic Corp's first major contribution to the war effort: Enders AI Corp will supply the approximately eight terabits of memory required to support two fully-functioning human 'operating systems'. This will allow us to experiment with digital manipulation of the human brain and to potentially replace the brain itself with crystal memory.
The primary advantage of this manipulation would be the possible 'editing' of different human OS's to create the most skilled, advantaged warriors. An army of these stormtroopers would be infinitely easier to control than the hormone-crazed shitkickers we put in front of the cannons these days. Basically we want an army who eschews rape in favor of torture. Rape will get your army sent to Geneva; torture is a fine art and if you're good enough at it, your victims won't even know you tortured them!
Ill Logic Corp. has made many generous donations to Amnesty International, the ACLU, and Kittens Against Masturbation, so please help us continue to support global peace through understanding. Please email JJ Carter to find out how.
